Well there’s another one in the bag.
Written by Ben Morgan on 04/29/2009
Mr Irrelevant is in, and just to be more irrelevant than usual it’s a Kicker. Which ironically means This year’s Mr Irrelevant, Ryan Succop, might actually have a good chance of making his team’s opening day roster. If he can beat out Connor Barth in Kansas City anyhow. What’s interesting for me is to look at who teams picked and see the different methods they’ve gone about selecting their picks. I’ll do my best to categorise a few notable examples:
1. The Trailer Trash Method
We’ve all seen Cops right? You know the ones where they have the woman in the trailer park beaten up and bloody desperately trying to convince the Cops not to take away her latest deadbeat boyfriend? Only for her to go out and find herself a new deadbeat boyfriend in the next exciting installment? Well that’s about how this method works. You know they’ve been bad in the past, it might be drugs, it might be run-ins with the law. They might just be flat out lazy or dumb as a bag of spanners but you’re still gonna chase after em, shower them with love, affection, expensive gifts only to have them just let you down again and again. Ladies, Gentlemen, I give you your Cincinnati Bengals! Ok, ok maybe I’m being a little harsh, I mean by Bengals standards this was a great draft. If the various deadbeat boyfriends can actually turn over a new leaf this might even be a great draft. God knows there is no lack of god given natural talent in this draft class. Andre Smith, probably the most talented all round Tackle in the draft. He’s available because he basically took the off in offseason too literally. Rey Maualuga, an unbelievable talent with some past transgressions of his own and Michael Johnson, perhaps the most intriguing combination of size, speed and athletic ability since Julius Peppers. But he’s so inconsistent that may be the last time you’ll ever see those two mentioned in the same sentence again. You know the last couple of drafts for the Bengals haven’t quite approached that train wreck status of the mid and early 00s but this one? They talk about prospects being Boom or Bust, this draft is Force or Farce.
2. The Pin the Tail on the Donkey Method
Also known as the Dart Board method. Simply put, you take some doddery old guy, stick photos of the top 20 prospects with the fastest 40 times around the walls, blindfold and spin the old geezer hand him a dart and let luck be thy lady tonight. It helps if some of those Top 20 photos on your walls are of guys no-one’s ever even heard of. Take a bow Al Davis and the Oakland Raiders! The runner up award goes to Meddlin’ Danny Snyder in Washington.
3. The Throw S$%! and see if it Sticks Method
In order to properly pull this one off you first need to trade away all your early picks in favour of a mountain of late round draft picks. The plan is this: 1. Pick up a big handful of crap. 2. Throw it at the wall. 3. Hope some of it sticks. To add further gravitas to this method it’s highly recommended that any time a camera cuts to your war room you do your best to look a) panicked, b) senile, c) drunk or d) all of the above. This technique makes great use of “the law of averages” and the law that states “even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day”. Jerry, 12 picks on day 2? There may well be some gems in there, but if they’re surrounded with crap you may never be able to spot them.
4. The Bamboozle/Monopoly Method
Perhaps the best living exponents of this method are the New England Patriots. Every year they enter the draft with about 15 first round picks. Deciding they’re too cheap to pay top end talent they attempt to confuse their peers by repeatedly trading, chopping and changing. Never sitting still for more than a minute. This technique appears to work brilliantly when once you’ve stockpiled 53 3rd round picks you somehow manage to sucker your foe into taking one of them off your hands for 1st or 2nd round pick next year. The main goal of this method appears to be some form of longterm draft domination whereby they trade so often and so repeatedly, they complete a total monopoly of Round 1. Presumably enabling them to build Hotels on the 5th pick and charge you $30,000 a night to stay there in an effort to have enough money to pay a first rounder for once. I understand the educational video is currently being filmed somewhere in New Jersey.
5. The Bet it all on Black Method
The draft is often described as a crap shoot. Well I prefer to look at it as Roulette. With this method you take most of your draft picks and bet them all on one spin of the wheel. Then you take what’s left and do the same again a little later. You’re going to walk away with something but like Vegas, everything looks great at night but by day it’s not quite what it seems. In case you hadn’t figured it out I’m talking about the New York Jets here, so maybe I should’ve gone with some Atlantic City references instead. Mark Sanchez certainly looks the part, hell he looks and talks as smooth as a politician with a velvet suit but is he more than a Vegas-like facade? Only one season starting in a system tailored to him means this might have been more like Russian Roulette for the Jets.
Last Edited: 03/04/2010